Avoiding The Big Zap!

It is Sunday, but I'm too scared to go to church. I'm afraid that if I even attempt to cross over the sacred threshold, God will strike me down as an example to others who poke fun of religious groups. Last night, as I said my bedtime prayers, all I could think of was my last post. It was my three hundredth post. My chance to write about something profound. What did I use it to do? I used it to bash every one's choice of religious following. What a piece!

As I finished up my prayers, I approached the topic that I had been trying to avoid. "God, please forgive me for making fun of religion."
I awaited his merciful absolution. "What? You think I'm going to let you off that easy?"
Apparently he was not feeling that merciful.
"Ummmm. Well, I was hoping that I could just apologize and it would be over."
He laughed...not an amused laugh, but a brewing wrath kind of laugh.
"Oh you'll apologize, alright. You will apologize to the people who you offended."
I breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh, yes. I can do that."
"Silence, you pompous little wretch!"
I quickly zipped my lips.
"Then, you will say something positive about each group that you so unjustly offended."
"But...that's not going to be funny at all." I'm not sure why I thought it appropriate to argue with a being that could zap me into a pile of dust. Clearly I wasn't thinking straight.
"Too bad. Think of it as penance for your sins."
"Can't I just cut off a finger or something?"
I heard Him warming up His zapping finger, so I quickly ended the prayer by agreeing to comply with His request.

And now, I submit for reader approval, the fruits of my overnight labor. The list of positivity:

1. Members of the LDS church are the nicest people you will ever meet.
2. Catholics take communion very seriously, which I love about the Church. The bread and wine become the actual body and blood of Christ. It is awesome.
3. Christians (non-denominational, Lutheran, Baptist, et.al.) have the best children's church programs! I loved attending church when I was young, even as a teen.
4. Buddhists believe in meditation for enlightenment. Very cool.
5. J.W. are diligent in their mission to spread the teachings of their church. They brave houses like mine and people like my mom, knowing that they could be ridiculed or lose a limb.
6. Jews have Hanukkah. I love the idea behind the menorah and the dreidle (sp?) game.
7. Atheists are...I don't really know. But my cousin Chrystal is an atheist and she is so fun to hang out with! Just don't bring up the war or politics or you are in for it!
8. Scientologists have big endorsement movie stars. That is all I know.

I think that covers it. I am sorry for those of you who were unable to see the humor in my last post. I'm sorry for poking fun at people's beliefs. I'm especially sorry to God, and I hope that this post absolves me of my sin and convinces Him not to zap me, after all.