My parents were virgins until they got married. Cough(bullshit)cough. At least, that is what they told us. Then, later on I found out otherwise and felt very lied to. I realize that it was for the noble reason of providing a good example to their daughters. That backfired, however, because I was pissed when I found out that it wasn't true. Oh, and guess what...they also did drugs (gasp!)
I decided that when I was a parent, I would be honest with my kids. That is easier said than done. Marlie did a little subtraction on the way home last night. She asked me how it was possible that her dad and I married in July, but had her in December. Shitballs. I wasn't ready for this. The truth is so much easier when it makes you look good, isn't it? Never the less, I explained our choice to do things backwards and the resulting complications. I told her how hard it was to have a wedding while trying to adjust to pregnancy and how disappointed my family was that I did not wait, like I had promised. I also told her how lucky I was that Daniel already loved me and wanted to stick around, which is rare these days. It was a story that had a happy ending, lucky for me.
After we finished talking about premarital sex and the blessings of waiting, it got quiet. "Mom, did you do other bad things when you were younger." Bigger shitballs. I think I had done pretty well for one night and that was about all the truth I, or she, could handle. "Hey, let's stop and get ice cream!" I hoped that my suggestion would distract her, which it did. Thank god. Truth is also best when delivered in small quantities, so as not to knock you clean off of your parental pedestal.
20 guests at the inn:
I like this post. It is hard to be completely honest with kids, even though I only have one and he is only 2 and a half I know I will have a hard time telling him EVERYTHING. I want to be honest though. I hate being lied to. I didn't get married to my son's father till he was 18 months old. I too was lucky to find a guy who didn't just get me pregnant, but loved me as well.
Wow, I think it's awesome that you were upfront and honest with her. I know a couple that lied about the year they were married to their kids for over 20 years to avoid having that conversation. Needless to say, the kids were pretty pissed when they did find out.
I know a guy who didn't figure out he was conceived 3 months out of wedlock until he was 18.
Good for you, Kadi. I'm sure that was a hard conversation, but she'll appreciate your honesty. I'll bet she already does.
And if she ever thinks that NO ONE waits until they're married anymore, send her to her "Aunt Rebecca." :)
My daughter wasn't conceived until after we were married, but on everything else I just lie !!
It is none of her business what I did when I was her age!!!
I am grateful that when my husband and I preach abstinence and chastity until marriage to our children that we can back it up with our own actions.
My parents were the biggest holier-than-thou hypocrites when I was growing up, and I have very little respect for them as a result. Even though the calendar doesn't lie about a certain birthday and certain wedding day, they have never been honest about it- even going so far as to say the baby was premature!
I will never understand why lying about it has always been more acceptable than telling the truth, teaching the lessons that came from the experience, and then moving on.
Wow- the same thing happened to me exactly. My entire life, my mother lied to me, telling me that she and my father were virgins till they married. Then, when I was 16, I was dating a boy almost two years older. He was old enough to realize that ther was no WAY 2 kids in love waited 3 YEARS to have sex. She admited it to him, then eventually told me the truth.
I was SO pissed that she had lied, after I had spent a year stuggling to abstain with my boyfrind, AND told my BOYFRIEND the truth first... I immedietly went out and had sex with him.
I decided, like you, that honesty is th ebest policy. If I admit that I made the mistakes, then I can better explain why they ARE mistakes, and how I suffered from making them.
My mother STILL believes that lying to your kids is the best thing for them...
Diesel, was this guy's name Rob, by any chance?
Kadi, you are soooo funny!!! Ellie prayed the other night that she would quit thinking about her mommy and daddy having sex. I am praying that too!!
Love,
Christy
Amanda figured out she was born out of wedlock (by 6 weeks) at about Marlie's age. Up to that point Amanda truly thought it was illigeal to have sex out of marriage...then about 2 weeks later she did the math and relized I was only 16 when she was born...talk about "Oh Shitballs!" Thankfully she's saying she's going to make different choices than me...yeah the truth can really suck when it makes you look this bad...
Like you I explained how lucky I was that her Dad loved me and we have been married ever since, not because she was on the way, but because we loved each other and wanted to be a family.
I remember thinking my parents were virgins when they married, and later found out that my mom was on her 3rd marriage!! Yup I felt lied to big time!! I wasn't even sure if I believed her when she told me I was her oldest kid for a while after that.
Good for you! I absolutely agree with being honest with our kids. EVEN if it makes us look bad. If it is hard for us to do now (humbling ourselves in front of them) while they are so young, imagine how much harder it will be when they are older. Might as well get to practicing now.
My parents were honest with us about stuff. It made me more proud of them that they felt they could humble themselves in that way than it ever would have to think they were just perfect growing up!
Great post. We're very upfront with our daughter too and I agree, little doses are better :)
My parents were always very upfront with me about my brother being conceived before they got married and about my dad's drug abuse. It made me think about my decisions more as I was in high school. I knew it was possible to get prego early so I stayed away from it. And I knew the effects the drugs had on my dad back in the day so I stayed away from those too.
So there's a positive affect of being honest with your kids. And I totally respect them for telling me the things they did. It makes me realize that they made mistakes too, but ended up ok in the end.
I have always been honest with my oldest son about my life. I wasn't married when I had him and never married his father. I never even tried drugs but I drank like a fish when I was in high and college. I have always worried that being too honest wasn't the right thing. I was worried that he would think that it was ok because I did it. How wrong I was and how proud I am! He is almost 18 and has his first serious girlfriend. They both told me that they werent ready for sex yet a few months ago and hadn't done it yet. They assured me that when they were ready they would take precautions. That they did. He made a doctor's appointment for her and even went with her to get birthcontrol which they back up with condoms. I was so amazed that he did that and that he came home and told me. He said that they just wanted to be prepared first. I can't say that Im happy that they are having sex but I am very glad that they took responsability first! He has never done drugs or drank. He will not even hang around with kids who do! The boy just amazes me and makes me so proud!! I guess that I did something right by being honest with him.
I am glad that the responses to your blog were so positive. It is difficult to effectively teach honestly if you are ok with lying to your children. I was fortunate in that we did not conceive until after we are married, but I will not lie and tell my children that we were abstaining. Birth control fails at times, we were fortunate that it did not (both times we went to get pregnant it happened the first time we tried-we joke that all he has to do is look at me funny or breathe on me. hubby has had the snip procedure- I can't risk having him breathe on me and spend another 9 months pregnant at my age!)
I agree- honesty is the best policy - ALWAYS. Not just when it is convenient. That is what I am teaching my children and I intend to practice what I preach.
You're better than me. I haven't lied to Noah yet - but I find it increasingly hard to be upfront with him. My husband is 1/2 Japanese, my son - blond hair with green eyes... I was laughing so hard when I found out he was going around saying he was Japanese that I couldn't figure out how to tell him. To make things more difficult, my middle child has quite a few of his dads dark features, but my youngest has very light skin and blond hair! This confuses my oldest son even more. Besides, he remembers our wedding. He was two and he walked down the asile with my dad to give me away. So - I think he knows that Larry's not his bio-dad but I KNOW I still need to have 'that talk'. I don't even know where to begin. Every time the subject comes up I give the shortest answer possible and change subjects. I know it's terrible. I'm at a loss here.
Last Christmas we were decorating the tree and Austin found a wedding ornament that said Nov. 21, 1999 and looked at it for a minute and said you got married in 1999? I was born in 1999. I said yes, it was a busy year. (trying to change the subject) He said I was born in Aug and you were married in Nov???(looking confused) Then he kept decorating the tree. So I kept quiet. We still need to have that talk. He hasn't said anything since. I might just leave that ornament off the tree this year. you are right I think it's ok to admit to our children our mistakes. (just not yet)
Last Christmas we were decorating the tree and Austin found a wedding ornament that said Nov. 21, 1999 and looked at it for a minute and said you got married in 1999? I was born in 1999. I said yes, it was a busy year. (trying to change the subject) He said I was born in Aug and you were married in Nov???(looking confused) Then he kept decorating the tree. So I kept quiet. We still need to have that talk. He hasn't said anything since. I might just leave that ornament off the tree this year. you are right I think it's ok to admit to our children our mistakes. (just not yet)
My niece, who is almost 11 didn't find out about her conception until her younger brother did the math...I'm sure people think the same thing about me, even though I didn't get prego befor being married, I was ovulating the very next day & the fact that I wasn't drinking any alcohol at all at our wedding reception to avoid any drunken stupidity in front of our guests. How convienient right? Oh well, people will think what they want to think. The important thing is that in reality, kids appreciate & respect your honesty no matter what. Good for you Kadi =D
Ha. My hubby and I waited but only because we didn't feel ready for that step until we were planning the wedding and at that point, you might as well wait right. But, when it comes to my parents, my dad thought he was my moms first. He never asked. She thought he knew. Mom and I were talking one day in front of him and she said something about her first time. Dad was like "huh?". classic miscommunication in my family. No one was hurt. It was just too funny after 28 years or so. You did the right thing though. My grandmother was lied to for years. My great grandmother faked her marriage certificate.
Post a Comment